Well here I am....It's been so hard to write about this pregnancy. I mean really write and get transparent. Mostly because I've been figuring this all out and every day has been a rollercoaster of emotions.
Pregnancy has been hard. One of the hardest things I've ever done. This was not planned, not prepared for and unfortunately, there have been some consequences. "Single mother," I hate that term, but it is the reality of my situation. I'm not married and the commitment in my past relationship has not always been a steady one.
22 weeks along, and I still have nausea, headaches, and I feel like I'm carrying around a brick. I'm having a son and I still can't believe it. He is starting to kick me and it is the weirdest feeling ever. I actually have a living thing inside of me.
So here is the transparent part, I don't feel as connected to my baby as I think I should. I fear the loss of my business that I have built for the last 6 years, because my child will need all of me. I am fearful of losing the beautiful people I have befriended this year, because I will be in the "mommy" category.
Fortunately, this year was a year of growth for me. My whole goal in 2016 was to improve myself for what was to come: marriage and a family. Granted, I wasn't even sure I wanted kids. I came to know who I wanted to be and try and serve those around me. I wanted to have a joy that reflected Christ's peace in me. I wanted to use my business to serve and create beautiful connections.
It feels like I'm back to square 1, figuring things out as they come my way.
What I have learned so far is that, I am truly out of control. And I just need to let it go and give it up to God.
God has given me the strength to continue and do the best that I can. He never has given me too much to handle, even though I have felt that way.
This is just a season of my life and when my baby comes, it will all be a worth it.