THIS IS MY BIRTH STORY.
Leading up to the birth was quite a challenge and I wouldn't have it any other way. I learned so much about myself, what I was capable of, and who I wanted to be. The six weeks before my due date were bedridden, meaning no getting up, just lying in bed 24/7. I moved back in with my parents because they were the only support I had. It took everything in me to not become angry, bitter, and a depressed woman. I had my moments where I just wanted to shut down but every day Logan would give me an indicator of the purpose that God had given me. God was faithful through it all and encouragement from my family and a few friends, I was ready to bring my little guy into this world.
Be still and know that I am God.
Oh, how these words from the greatest book ever written has got me through so many challenges. The moments of desperation, the moments of loneliness, the moments of fear, and the uncertainty of what was to come. I would have to say that my life has been quite a dramatic one, mainly because of the poor choices I made and my stubbornness. The poor choices in men, the pride in not letting anyone in, and the productivity that I was so selfishly seeking lead me to the moment all alone, in bed, and pregnant.
I had no birth plan in place, no idea what it would be like to give birth to a baby. I knew the hospital and my expected due date. That's it.
The day before I actually gave birth, I started having small contractions. They felt like really intense cramps.
The hospital almost didn't admit me because I wasn't far enough along, but I prayed they wouldn't send me home. I was so ready to meet my guy.
I DID GET THE EPIDURAL AND I HAVE NO SHAME.
After about the 5 cm, I wasn't making any progress. The nurse decided to give me some pitocin to speed things up, but my body and baby didn't like that. My babies heart rate started going up, so they had to reverse it. I just remember my stomach getting really hard and feeling really uneasy, but I didn't really feel anything more than that.
I had very little pain and decided I would sleep. The doctor would come in and check to see how big the opening was getting, which is quite painful. I would go back to sleep and wonder what my life was going to be like, how i would feel bringing another life into the world. I had no idea. I recorded moments on my phone here and there.
I was finally ready to push the baby out. They had to call my doctor from Glendora at 4am and he came!
I PUSHED MY LITTLE LOVE OUT IN 6 PUSHES.
I can't tell you that I felt an overwhelming feeling of love at first, because I didn't. I was numb to what was going on around me. It was like an out of body experience. I saw my baby come out and my first thought was, "he is so swollen." I almost thought he had six toes from what i saw. T After the weight, height, and overall check, they placed him on my chest.
He was so warm and small. I could hear his sweet little breathing.
I WAS ROBBED OF THE MOMENTS WITH MY SON.
Up to this point, I felt like I had done what I came to do in birthing my son. I did it. I was holding my precious boy when I just felt this uneasiness. I shifted my body so that I didn't feel pain, but as a little time went on, it only got worse. I still had the epidural in, so this was not supposed to be happening. I kept thinking, this is not how I’m supposed to feel. It got to the point, I had to hand my mother, my new, not even an hour old, baby.
I called the nurse and told her I was feeling a lot of pressure in my abdomen, she brushed it off and told me that i shouldn't be in pain. She minimized how I felt. I felt like i had to pee, but there was a catheter in my body. I didn't know how this was possible. I wanted to get up out of bed from the intense uneasiness. I wanted to get up out of the bed. I started to panic. When you have the epidural, there is a needle in your back, making it impossible to get out of bed.
I don't know who did it, but someone took out my epidural, the only source that was keeping me somewhat sane through the pain.
I was in so much pain I wanted to die. I cried and I yelled from all the excruciating pain. I was so desperate to feel better. The hospital tried to transport me into the recovery unit. As they transported me, I’m pretty sure I was the only one making that much noise from pain. Every bump and corner made it worse.
After this point, it's all really a blur. Every dose of painkillers would make me passout until it wore out and I would wake up yelling from pain. I was in and out of tests. I woke up to CT scans, MRI, Ultrasounds, people poking and prodding me to figure out what was going on.
I had my mother pray over me, because I was asking God, WHY.
My baby was taken to the NCUI.
After I handed my mom the baby, they checked his breathing again. He then immediately was taken to the NCUI.
I had no idea what was going on. The devastation I felt was immeasurably. I did everything right so that he could be healthy. I carried him for 38 weeks, I threw up everyday for 7 months, I went on bed rest, i went to every doctor appointment, I paid every bill by myself, yet all of this was out of my control. I couldn't make myself better, I couldn't make my baby better. I was completely helpless. I felt that I was robbed of the precious moments after he was born.
I WOKE UP ON A SURGERY BED
At some point after all the test and about 8 hours of being in pain, they finally figured it out and I woke up on a surgery bed with two doctors hovering over my pelvis. They had finally figured out what had happened to me. I was so groggy, the nurse came over and tried talking to me.
It was an out of body experience. I've never been so drugged up and radiated through tests.
I WAS LITERALLY BLEEDING TO DEATH INTERNALLY.
After giving birth, I burst one aneurysm with all the pushing and pressure. Now from what I understand, aneurysms are rare, still not sure why I had any at all. I'm 24, pretty healthy, and have not had any health issues before.
I had an internal bruise of about 10cm, that's why I was in so much pain. Through all the test, they found two aneurysm and my mother, thank God for her, decided that it would be best to address it before it burst on its own leaving me dead.
I still don't know why I had two aneurysms. That purpose is not yet discovered, or maybe it is. Nothing happens by chance and God uses all for the glory of him.
I AM ALIVE AND I GAVE BIRTH TO THE BEST CREATION.
I'm still not 100% recovered. I’m still incredibly weak and I have moments of a lot of pain. I still have lots of tests to go through, but for now, I have been determined to give the best of myself to my son through breastfeeding and being present in his life through these first crucial years.
I thank God for giving me this opportunity to be LOGAN'S mother. The chances of me having anymore children are slim, I rather live a healthy life for the son that I do have. He truly is a light in my life and I see God everyday through my little boy. It's about the perspective you have on this life and how you use your life. Bad things will happen, things that we cannot control, that is life. We live in a world with fallen people who make mistakes and hurt us. We live in a world where we make lots of mistakes and have regrets. We also live in a world full of hope in Christ. We live in a world where we can choose to be kind, generous, and loving.