• My Birth Story

     THIS IS MY BIRTH STORY.

    Leading up to the birth was quite a challenge and I wouldn't have it any other way. I learned so much about myself, what I was capable of, and who I wanted to be. The six weeks before my due date were bedridden, meaning no getting up, just lying in bed 24/7. I moved back in with my parents because they were the only support I had. It took everything in me to not become angry, bitter, and a depressed woman. I had my moments where I just wanted to shut down but every day Logan would give me an indicator of the purpose that God had given me. God was faithful through it all and encouragement from my family and a few friends, I was ready to bring my little guy into this world. 

     Be still and know that I am God.

     Oh, how these words from the greatest book ever written has got me through so many challenges. The moments of desperation, the moments of loneliness, the moments of fear, and the uncertainty of what was to come. I would have to say that my life has been quite a dramatic one, mainly because of the poor choices I made and my stubbornness. The poor choices in men, the pride in not letting anyone in, and the productivity that I was so selfishly seeking lead me to the moment all alone, in bed, and pregnant.

     I had no birth plan in place, no idea what it would be like to give birth to a baby. I knew the hospital and my expected due date. That's it.

     The day before I actually gave birth, I started having small contractions. They felt like really intense cramps.

    The hospital almost didn't admit me because I wasn't far enough along, but I prayed they wouldn't send me home. I was so ready to meet my guy.

     I DID GET THE EPIDURAL AND I HAVE NO SHAME.

     After about the 5 cm, I wasn't making any progress. The nurse decided to give me some pitocin to speed things up, but my body and baby didn't like that. My babies heart rate started going up, so they had to reverse it. I just remember my stomach getting really hard and feeling really uneasy, but I didn't really feel anything more than that.

    I had very little pain and decided I would sleep. The doctor would come in and check to see how big the opening was getting, which is quite painful. I would go back to sleep and wonder what my life was going to be like, how i would feel bringing another life into the world. I had no idea. I recorded moments on my phone here and there.

    I was finally ready to push the baby out. They had to call my doctor from Glendora at 4am and he came!

     I PUSHED MY LITTLE LOVE OUT IN 6 PUSHES.

     I can't tell you that I felt an overwhelming feeling of love at first, because I didn't. I was numb to what was going on around me. It was like an out of body experience. I saw my baby come out and my first thought was, "he is so swollen."  I almost thought he had six toes from what i saw. T After the weight, height, and overall check, they placed him on my chest.

    He was so warm and small. I could hear his sweet little breathing.

    I WAS ROBBED OF THE MOMENTS WITH MY SON.

    Up to this point, I felt like I had done what I came to do in birthing my son. I did it. I was holding my precious boy when I just felt this uneasiness. I shifted my body so that I didn't feel pain, but as a little time went on, it only got worse. I still had the epidural in, so this was not supposed to be happening. I kept thinking, this is not how I’m supposed to feel. It got to the point, I had to hand my mother, my new, not even an hour old, baby.

     I called the nurse and told her I was feeling a lot of pressure in my abdomen, she brushed it off and told me that i shouldn't be in pain. She minimized how I felt. I felt like i had to pee, but there was a catheter in my body. I didn't know how this was possible. I wanted to get up out of bed from the intense uneasiness. I wanted to get up out of the bed. I started to panic. When you have the epidural, there is a needle in your back, making it impossible to get out of bed. 

    I don't know who did it, but someone took out my epidural, the only source that was keeping me somewhat sane through the pain.

     I was in so much pain I wanted to die. I cried and I yelled from all the excruciating pain. I was so desperate to feel better. The hospital tried to transport me into the recovery unit. As they transported me, I’m pretty sure I was the only one making that much noise from pain. Every bump and corner made it worse. 

     After this point, it's all really a blur. Every dose of painkillers would make me passout until it wore out and I would wake up yelling from pain. I was in and out of tests. I woke up to CT scans, MRI, Ultrasounds, people poking and prodding me to figure out what was going on.

     I had my mother pray over me, because I was asking God, WHY.

     My baby was taken to the NCUI.

    After I handed my mom the baby, they checked his breathing again. He then immediately was taken to the NCUI.

    I had no idea what was going on. The devastation I felt was immeasurably. I did everything right so that he could be healthy. I carried him for 38 weeks, I threw up everyday for 7 months, I went on bed rest, i went to every doctor appointment, I paid every bill by myself, yet all of this was out of my control. I couldn't make myself better, I couldn't make my baby better. I was completely helpless. I felt that I was robbed of the precious moments after he was born.

    I WOKE UP ON A SURGERY BED

    At some point after all the test and about 8 hours of being in pain, they finally figured it out and I woke up on a surgery bed with two doctors hovering over my pelvis. They had finally figured out what had happened to me. I was so groggy, the nurse came over and tried talking to me.

    It was an out of body experience. I've never been so drugged up and radiated through tests.

     I WAS LITERALLY BLEEDING TO DEATH INTERNALLY.

     After giving birth, I burst one aneurysm with all the pushing and pressure. Now from what I understand, aneurysms are rare, still not sure why I had any at all. I'm 24, pretty healthy, and have not had any health issues before. 

     I had an internal bruise of about 10cm, that's why I was in so much pain. Through all the test, they found two aneurysm and my mother, thank God for her, decided that it would be best to address it before it burst on its own leaving me dead.

     I still don't know why I had two aneurysms. That purpose is not yet discovered, or maybe it is. Nothing happens by chance and God uses all for the glory of him.

     I AM ALIVE AND I GAVE BIRTH TO THE BEST CREATION.

     I'm still not 100% recovered. I’m still incredibly weak and I have moments of a lot of pain. I still have lots of tests to go through, but for now, I have been determined to give the best of myself to my son through breastfeeding and being present in his life through these first crucial years.

     I thank God for giving me this opportunity to be LOGAN'S mother. The chances of me having anymore children are slim, I rather live a healthy life for the son that I do have. He truly is a light in my life and I see God everyday through my little boy. It's about the perspective you have on this life and how you use your life. Bad things will happen, things that we cannot control, that is life. We live in a world with fallen people who make mistakes and hurt us. We live in a world where we make lots of mistakes and have regrets. We also live in a world full of hope in Christ. We live in a world where we can choose to be kind, generous, and loving.

     

     

     

  • Reflections of a Broken Woman

    I remember the day my best friend told me that she knew it wasn't always smiles with me. We like to share the story about how she disliked me at first because she thought I was too nice and it had to be fake.  As time went on, she realized there was more than the bubbly attitude,to the point she reassured another friend that I had issues too so I was trustworthy.

    For once, I was glad that someone saw past the smile. Believe me when I say that, the smile is real and intended for others to smile back. I have always wanted people to feel joyful around me. I have this desire to make sure no one every felt left out or uneasy around me: that they truly felt welcomed in my prescense. 

    The truth is I'm not normal. I have a dark twisted side. A side that I feel is completely broken. A side that has thought it would be better for everyone if I didn't live. A side that has failed over and over again with my family. A side that continues to make poor choices in relationships. A side that completely blames herself for being sexually assaulted because why else would it happen. Ultimately, I have a fear that no one will ever love this broken side of me. 

    I have overcompensated by being one of the hardest working people I know. And yes, I have found love in what I do. I truly get to serve.

    One of the biggest shocks in my 24 years of living is coming to the realization that God would allow me, a completely broken person to carry and grow a life. How could I be responsible for such a beautiful, innocent, untouched, life. 

    So I worked harder and harder, to compensate for all my failures as a human being, as a child of God. God would see that I was worthy of this child. I worked through the 7 months of morning sickness, through the flu, and I paid every bill that had to be paid, beause this baby wasn't going to suffer because of me. My mistakes would not affect the stability my son would grow up in. 

    Up until, I couldn't work no more.

    Bed rest: The worst phrase a woman determined to make things better by actions could hear.

    I was angry.

    I was angry with my babies father for not being the support I needed, but I was really angry with myself. 

    The moment I moved back in with my parents was one of the hardest things I had to do. Not because of who they are as parents (even though they drive me crazy with the amount of truth they speak into my life ), but because it was the realization that I couldn't do it all on my own and I made a mistake that caused them heartache and they would be going through the consequences with me.

    For 6 weeks, I have been laying down, while my poor brother has to feeds me every morninge, while my mom washes my clothes and comforts me, while my dad has to work every day to provide for me and my baby. The most humbling experience I've ever endured.

    And guess what? My family still loves me.  

    God still loves me because he forced me to see that in my brokenness, Hehas been teaching me that my worth isn't from how much I can do or what I've been through.

    I'm not perfect and I'm completely broken. But I am loved and that is reality. This baby that I get to love is reality. 

  • i'm having a baby

    Well here I am....It's been so hard to write about this pregnancy. I mean really write and get transparent. Mostly because I've been figuring this all out and every day has been a rollercoaster of emotions. 

    Pregnancy has been hard. One of the hardest things I've ever done. This was not planned, not prepared for and unfortunately, there have been some consequences. "Single mother," I hate that term, but it is the reality of my situation. I'm not married and the commitment in my past relationship has not always been a steady one.

    22 weeks along, and I still have nausea, headaches, and I feel like I'm carrying around a brick. I'm having a son and I still can't believe it. He is starting to kick me and it is the weirdest feeling ever. I actually have a living thing inside of me. 

    So here is the transparent part, I don't feel as connected to my baby as I think I should.  I fear the loss of my business that I have built for the last 6 years, because my child will need all of me. I am fearful of losing the beautiful people I have befriended this year, because I will be in the "mommy" category. 

    Fortunately, this year was a year of growth for me. My whole goal in 2016 was to improve myself for what was to come: marriage and a family. Granted, I wasn't even sure I wanted kids. I came to know who I wanted to be and try and serve those around me. I wanted to have a joy that reflected Christ's peace in me. I wanted to use my business to serve and create beautiful connections. 

    It feels like I'm back to square 1, figuring things out as they come my way. 

    What I have learned so far is that, I am truly out of control. And I just need to let it go and give it up to God.

    God has given me the strength to continue and do the best that I can. He never has given me too much to handle, even though I have felt that way.

    This is just a season of my life and when my baby comes, it will all be a worth it. 

  • 1d8c54dbd0d0c6a0-sf-1.jpg

        Well here I am again. Starting a season that seems life changing. I havent written anything, because the truth is, it's hard for me to be vulnerable about what's going on with me.

    I struggle.

    I struggle with a lot.  

    One of those struggles is wanting to look like I have it all together when i obviously dont. But in the midst of all the struggling, I have found hope. I have spent the last year figuring out who I am and who I want to become. Who God is calling me to be.

        Through heartbreak and some moments of just crazy, I'm finally understanding that God has a plan and sometimes it's completely opposite of mine. I've gone from feeling like the 21 year old divorcee who couldn't feel more lost because I felt like I had dissapointed so many people to this 23 year old woman finally feeling some freedom to live the life meant for me. I had to let go of a lot of dreams. But new dreams were fordged through the chaos. God had given me the ability to create.

    And create, I will.